Brewer's Droop #209

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YO BABY! YOU WANNA FEEL SOMETHING REALLY SMOOTH AND SOFT?”

I was trawling though the Blue Route Shopping Mall recently (see Droop 201) with nothing much to do for 20 minutes (I was waiting for some paint to be mixed actually), when I was literally pounced upon by a very pretty young Israeli girl who was working in one of those free-standing kiosks you see in most mall walkways these days.

She was selling some stuff that “I should buy for my wife”. Now this was rather presumptuous of her I thought. Why did she assume I was heterosexual or even had a wife? And, even if I did, why did she think I would actually buy my wife anything at all?

No matter. She’d got my attention which is, of course, 50% of any high-pressure saleslady’s battle plan. Now all she had to do was to keep talking.

Then came the part I found rather disturbing.

I would guess she was about 18 or 19 (maybe even younger – hard to tell these days) and I’m 65.

Now, there’s something rather unsavoury about a girl that age asking a man my age to “step closer to me” as she was rubbing some moisturiser on my hands (which she was not about to let go of). Okay I appreciate the salesman’s aim – get the customer into your space and/or shop – I understand. But it’s still, um, inappropriate given that I could easily be her Great-Grandfather (and maybe even her Great-Great-Grandfather in Jerry Springer Land).

Then she kept asking me to feel how soft her skin was by stroking her arm. This, I thought, was a bit beyond ‘inappropriate’, especially as she was saying it in as husky a voice as she could with that sexy accent and flashing her eyes (can eyes be made to ‘flash’ actually?)

Anyway, I started laughing.

When she asked why, I said I was just wondering when she was ever going to stop talking and take a breath?

She paused for a moment and I added “I’m sure you’ve been taught all the techniques of ‘selling’ by a professional guy called Aaron from Tel Aviv (or wherever) but he forgot to tell you to slow down. Look. I’m listening. I’m not running away. So tell me more about this product and why you think I should buy it – and let go of my hands otherwise I won’t be able to reach my wallet.”

She did slow down and told me all about it but I had to interrupt her and say “I’m sure this skin stuff is far superior to any other skin stuff in the world…but I’m not going to buy it for my wife because she will tell me that it’s the wrong colour/smell/texture/brand and want to exchange it.”

“How can you be so sure?” she asked petulantly (and, yes, it was petulant).

“Because we’ve been married for 33 years and, after that amount of Christmas, Birthday and Anniversary presents you kind of get to know what will work and what won’t.”

“But then you must get yourself some Dead Sea moisturiser!” she said gleefully “because your skin really needs it you know.”

“Sorry dear, nice try but I have to collect my paint now. Anyway, it was nice chatting to you…enjoy the rest of your day” and I walked away.

But I can’t help thinking that if she were my daughter (or great-grandaughter) then I’d be seriously worried. I know times are hard but is it really necessary for such a young girl to be such an obviously sensual saleswoman (and where the hell did she learn to be that in the first place?)

I mean, what will Aaron get her selling next?

Then a couple of weeks ago, I was walking through arrivals at the JHB airport and ANOTHER young Israeli girl called out and said “Yo baby! Wanna feel something really smooth and soft?” and headed straight for me holding a box of whatever it was – probably the same as her friend in Cape Town.

I don’t much like being rude but I was rather curt and told her to go and play with the other children. I don’t think she understood because she gave me that demure sloe-eyed look that expensive hookers have perfected (so I’m told).

I mean, I’m so far from being a prude that I had to check how to spell it, but really, these girls look and sound like they should have been more carefully raised. It’s a great pity really.

And the irony is this. ACSA banned a poster asking South Africa to end the trade in lion bones because it had a picture of the President on it, but they’re quite happy to lease out space to a company which is not far removed from blatant child abuse.

I’m sure that when the CPA finally kicks in that operators like this will find it difficult to trade.

But enough of the serious stuff….

HERE’S THE BEST JOKE OF THE DECADE

A banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.


As he’s getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.



Five minutes later, the police arrive and before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: ‘My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it’s at the panel beaters it’ll never be the same again!’



After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman sadly shakes his head. ‘I can’t believe how materialistic you bloody bankers are,’ he says. ‘You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else in your life.’



’Like what?’ sobs the Porsche owner.



The policeman replies, ‘Well, for one thing that lorry tore off your left arm as well.’



The banker looks down in horror.



‘F***ING HELL!’ he screams……..’Where’s my Rolex????

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Comments

  1. Does anyone still wear a watch? As jewelry perhaps?

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  2. OMW Chris! That really IS the funniest joke EVER. Still giggling and I am a banker!

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  3. I’ve also been accosted by them – they sell hard and the guys only chat up women and vice versa – bloody annoying actually

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  4. An incredibly accurate description Chris. I succumbed (also 65) and have hidden the spoils in case my wife wants to know the price.

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    • Didn’t she get suspicious when you took another bond on your house to pay for them?

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  5. I was also ‘accosted’ at the Cresta Mall by a very young lady selling the same dead sea stuff (being from the dead sea, does this stuff only work on really old guys?) and some Peach kernel extract for a horrendous price. So after also listening to the sales rant and feeling my and her soft arm/hand/bits I politely said no thanks, while wiggling my finger in my ear, as I thought that I had misunderstood her when hearing the price, she now also gave me THE stare… I now go back every two weeks or so and get a free hand & arm ‘treatment’ while ‘inquiring’ about the product…

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  6. Hi Chris,
    My wife who is normally a carefull shopper got taken in by those Israeli shopping mall “terrorists” (and I use the word jokingly). The product is exquisitely packaged and priced so that it sounds expensive enough to be the real thing.

    These sales guys and girls are like tupperware party sellers on steriods.The stuff is nothing more than coloured mud and doesn’t work which is why they have to use such a sexy hard sell. They don’t have repeat customers.

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    • Yes, I seem to remember that consumer super-journo, Wendy Knowler, took them on because a reader said something about the product not being good?

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  7. Beware the Israelites!! They keep accosting me in malls around Durban… bloody hell, I’m starting to get a complex..

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  8. Also got attacked by one of the Israelies. Very annoying, slapped some of this stuff on my face without even asking if I’m allergic. I’m not, but just saying.
    Ok, so I won’t tell you that it’s the oldest joke in the world, because I’m nice that way, but I will tell you the collective noun for bankers is in fact, a wunch. It’s a pleasure.
    xxx

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    • No, No, No. The oldest joke in the world is this one Megan:

      “What’s green and makes a noise like a Parrot?”

      Answer:

      A Parrot.

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  9. Those Dead Sea toiletries sales pests have been around for too long; they started over Christmas 2011 (?) and just didn’t leave. I resent being accosted in every shopping centre & ORTIA; if I want to shop, I will go into a shop of my choosing. I like to be greeted by a helpful sales assistant, but when I say “no thanks” I don’t want to be harrassed. If everyone ignored them, maybe they’d go away?

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  10. a fellow adman rushes into exclusive books, just after being accosted by an Israeli dead sea merchant, and askes the lady behind the counter if they have a book especially for men with small penises. she scans her computer in front of her, shakes her head and says ” ITS NOT IN YET” That’s the one he says, I’ll take it

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    • Wally, you need help.

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  11. My other half got taken and bought a shed load of the Dead Sea stuff. Now I know why…….

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    • Guys ALWAYS get caught out in the end!

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  12. Since those girls hit town I’ve started going to shul again in the hope of meeting them at the post-service brachot. No luck yet, but at least they’ve resuscitated my roots.

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    • Ha! Brilliant. If I was quite a bit younger I’d change my religion just to be able to do what you’re doing – they really are beautiful (maybe it’s the mud?)

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  13. Well, at least she didn’t call you on your cellphone, much to the horror of where on earth she could have gotten your number.

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  14. All I can think is that you’re lucky you weren’t waiting for the paint to dry!

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  15. They are also going house to house selling R30 paintings mass produced in China as their own work, asking R300 to R3000 claiming that they are students working to afford university fees!!

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    • Yup … we got one knocking on our door in LANGEBANN, of all places, and out of season at that!

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      • Aargh … Langebaan, of course …

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  16. Know how you feel, Ginny. I feel the same about robot sales people. If I say I have no money in the car, that’s exactly what I mean; dropping the price a bit isn’t going to cut it!

    About the joke: my son inherited a Rolex that he’ll probably never wear, because I’m terrified it might cost him his life. Such a pity, because the chap who left it to him had it professionally serviced shortly before he died.

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  17. Oh Chris you hit the nail on the head this time…and many others of course. Haven’t we all had enough of these hard-hitting sales-gals. They are even prowling in sleepy East London. So that goes to show that we are still in the mainstream …yes? Thanks for the best insights with Droop. Loving it.

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  18. I don’t think you’re telling us the full story Chris – I think you got caught you out with a pack of dead sea creams and eye serums to last you a life time. The fact is you know too much, you had the full treatment and one big swipe on the c/c. But don’t worry they caught me out too. And I feel soooo stooopid.

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  19. Chris, they’re everywhere I was stopped by one (this time a guy) in a shopping arcade in London last Friday. I let them exfoliate and cream both my hands, said a polite thank you and left but at least I had lovely clean soft hands!

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    • If you have a spare 30 minutes that sounds like a fantastic idea. Maybe I should do that next time?

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  20. They are pretty but not the sharpest! One of them caught me in Blue Route too. Before I knew it she was massaging stuff under one of my eyes. She said that it would shave 10 years off my age! She was believable and I had started trying to justify, in my head, to my wife why I had bought the cream… when she gave me a get out of jail card. Holding up a mirror she asked me to inspect the new “younger looking” eye she had been treating compared the other “10 year older” eye that she had not treated. She then muddled up her eyes and started Raving about how much “younger” the untreated eye looked… Sale lost!

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  21. Damn, I need to change my facial expressions when walking the malls – I’ve never been targeted by any of these ladies!

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    • Probably because you don’t look gullible enough. But maybe, if you push your hips forward a bit when you’re walking, one of the guys will stop you?

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  22. I may strike out if I hear ‘Excuse me, can I ask you a question?’ one…more…time while shopping.

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  23. Chris! You make me smile because those sales ladies are absolute pests. And you relay the story with such humor!I think mall management or landlords do not realize how these kiosk gals are aggravating their regular Customer’s shopping experience! As for your joke…glad to see you are still a funny old guy!!

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  24. A very attractive young Israeli man held my hand and stroked it in a shopping centre in Swindon a few years ago. He looked deep into my eyes whilst delivering the most expert patter, telling me how the lotion he was massaging into my hand would keep my skin soft and wonderful to touch… He made me smile then, as the memory does now. He was very good – but no, I didn’t buy anything

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  25. Chris….got caught in Cape Town last year! She was soooo good. And very pretty. I’m surprised I got away with one tub, which incidentally, is still on the bath shelf. The other half hasn’t used it yet.

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  26. Yes, love the humour. I have never bought anything but have been stopped too and thought to myself, that curiously does seriously kill the cat!

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  27. Does this mean I am now subscribed to your newsletter? If not, how do I subscribe? Bette

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    • Dear Bette,

      We normally only tell blondes this – go to the top of the page and fill-out the “subscribe” form.

      No wait, I’ve already put you on the list.

      Do nothing.

      Reply

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