Brewer's Droop #209
YO BABY! YOU WANNA FEEL SOMETHING REALLY SMOOTH AND SOFT?”
I was trawling though the Blue Route Shopping Mall recently (see Droop 201) with nothing much to do for 20 minutes (I was waiting for some paint to be mixed actually), when I was literally pounced upon by a very pretty young Israeli girl who was working in one of those free-standing kiosks you see in most mall walkways these days.
She was selling some stuff that “I should buy for my wife”. Now this was rather presumptuous of her I thought. Why did she assume I was heterosexual or even had a wife? And, even if I did, why did she think I would actually buy my wife anything at all?
No matter. She’d got my attention which is, of course, 50% of any high-pressure saleslady’s battle plan. Now all she had to do was to keep talking.
Then came the part I found rather disturbing.
I would guess she was about 18 or 19 (maybe even younger – hard to tell these days) and I’m 65.
Now, there’s something rather unsavoury about a girl that age asking a man my age to “step closer to me” as she was rubbing some moisturiser on my hands (which she was not about to let go of). Okay I appreciate the salesman’s aim – get the customer into your space and/or shop – I understand. But it’s still, um, inappropriate given that I could easily be her Great-Grandfather (and maybe even her Great-Great-Grandfather in Jerry Springer Land).
Then she kept asking me to feel how soft her skin was by stroking her arm. This, I thought, was a bit beyond ‘inappropriate’, especially as she was saying it in as husky a voice as she could with that sexy accent and flashing her eyes (can eyes be made to ‘flash’ actually?)
Anyway, I started laughing.
When she asked why, I said I was just wondering when she was ever going to stop talking and take a breath?
She paused for a moment and I added “I’m sure you’ve been taught all the techniques of ‘selling’ by a professional guy called Aaron from Tel Aviv (or wherever) but he forgot to tell you to slow down. Look. I’m listening. I’m not running away. So tell me more about this product and why you think I should buy it – and let go of my hands otherwise I won’t be able to reach my wallet.”
She did slow down and told me all about it but I had to interrupt her and say “I’m sure this skin stuff is far superior to any other skin stuff in the world…but I’m not going to buy it for my wife because she will tell me that it’s the wrong colour/smell/texture/brand and want to exchange it.”
“How can you be so sure?” she asked petulantly (and, yes, it was petulant).
“Because we’ve been married for 33 years and, after that amount of Christmas, Birthday and Anniversary presents you kind of get to know what will work and what won’t.”
“But then you must get yourself some Dead Sea moisturiser!” she said gleefully “because your skin really needs it you know.”
“Sorry dear, nice try but I have to collect my paint now. Anyway, it was nice chatting to you…enjoy the rest of your day” and I walked away.
But I can’t help thinking that if she were my daughter (or great-grandaughter) then I’d be seriously worried. I know times are hard but is it really necessary for such a young girl to be such an obviously sensual saleswoman (and where the hell did she learn to be that in the first place?)
I mean, what will Aaron get her selling next?
Then a couple of weeks ago, I was walking through arrivals at the JHB airport and ANOTHER young Israeli girl called out and said “Yo baby! Wanna feel something really smooth and soft?” and headed straight for me holding a box of whatever it was – probably the same as her friend in Cape Town.
I don’t much like being rude but I was rather curt and told her to go and play with the other children. I don’t think she understood because she gave me that demure sloe-eyed look that expensive hookers have perfected (so I’m told).
I mean, I’m so far from being a prude that I had to check how to spell it, but really, these girls look and sound like they should have been more carefully raised. It’s a great pity really.
And the irony is this. ACSA banned a poster asking South Africa to end the trade in lion bones because it had a picture of the President on it, but they’re quite happy to lease out space to a company which is not far removed from blatant child abuse.
I’m sure that when the CPA finally kicks in that operators like this will find it difficult to trade.
But enough of the serious stuff….
HERE’S THE BEST JOKE OF THE DECADE
A banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.
As he’s getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.
Five minutes later, the police arrive and before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: ‘My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it’s at the panel beaters it’ll never be the same again!’
After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman sadly shakes his head. ‘I can’t believe how materialistic you bloody bankers are,’ he says. ‘You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else in your life.’
’Like what?’ sobs the Porsche owner.
The policeman replies, ‘Well, for one thing that lorry tore off your left arm as well.’
The banker looks down in horror.
‘F***ING HELL!’ he screams……..’Where’s my Rolex????