Brewer's Droop #167

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HANGOVER GONE YET?

Happy New Year to one and all. 2010 will be fabulous! (Go on, talk yourself into it).

A really good start would be to sort out the running of the SABC. I have every confidence in the new Board and I’m sure that, provided there’s no seriously heavy political interference, that this once-proud organisation will be moulded back to its former glory. But they’ll have to be extremely careful indeed with the looming spectre of the Public Broadcasting Bill.

If they make a success of it (as I’m sure they will) then they should move on to SAA and do the same for them.

SEX ADDICTION

I heard, just before the holidays started, that Tiger Woods was being admitted to a clinic to receive therapy for “sex addiction” – as so many like him have done before.

So that’s it then. He’s addicted to sex – it’s a medical condition then? Well, that’s a shame and I’m sure he’ll be much better when his course is completed.

What a load of golf balls!

Only in America could they come up with such a lame and pathetic excuse (but I’m guessing very lucrative for some people like clinics and head doctors?)

People that check in to these clinics aren’t “addicted” at all. The only thing wrong with them is that they’re incapable of staying faithful. They’re simply serial adulterers. And they should pay the price that society demands.

(In Tiger’s case that’s many millions of dollars – calculate that backwards and it probably works out to about $100,000 per shag. A bit expensive I would have thought).

Following that ridiculous logic we could come up with whole list of “addictions” that would soon bring the numbers of prison inmates down. There are those “Murder Addicts” and “Arson Addicts” for example. Shame. All the judge has to show a little sympathy, tell them not to worry – and send them off to Betty Ford for a month or two.

If I tried telling the wife that I wasn’t really cheating and that I just have an addiction that a clinic needs to sort out my guess is that my voice would rise a few octaves following a brutal assault with a baseball bat on my private extremities.

A severe blow to the testicles will, for most men anyway, tend to inhibit their “addiction” quite quickly.

RELIGIOUS MARKETING

A friend sent me this delightful little story over the holidays…

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a Cross in front of him, the other a Star of David.
Many people pass by and look at both beggars, but, invariably, they only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross. A priest comes by, stops and watches the multitudes of people giving money to the beggar behind the Cross, but none giving to the beggar behind the Star of David.

Finally, the priest approaches the beggar behind the Star of David and says: ‘My poor fellow, don’t you understand? This is a Catholic country. People aren’t going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you’re sitting beside a beggar who has a Cross. In fact, they’ll probably make a donation to him just out of spite.’  

The beggar behind the Star of David listens quietly to the priest, and then finally turns to the beggar with the Cross and says: ‘Sol, so look who’s trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about Marketing!’  

ETERNAL WISDOM

 
This was in Punch Magazine 52 years ago – 3rd April 1957 to be precise. And we STILL haven’t lynched all the bankers yet!
 
Q: What are banks for?
A: To make money.
 
Q: For the customers?
A: For the banks.
 
Q: Why doesn’t bank advertising mention this?
A: It would not be in good taste. But it is mentioned by implication in references to reserves of £249,000,000,000 or thereabouts. That is the money they have made.
 
Q: Out of the customers?
A: I suppose so.
 
Q: They also mention Assets of £500,000,000,000 or thereabouts. Have they made that too?
A: Not exactly. That is the money they use to make money.
 
Q: I see. And they keep it in a safe somewhere?
A: Not at all. They lend it to customers.
 
Q: Then they haven’t got it?
A: No.
 
Q: Then how is it Assets?
A: They maintain that it would be if they got it back.
 
Q: But they must have some money in a safe somewhere?
A: Yes, usually £500,000,000,000 or thereabouts. This is called Liabilities.
 
Q: But if they’ve got it, how can they be liable for it?
A: Because it isn’t theirs.
 
Q: Then why do they have it?
A: It has been lent to them by customers.
 
Q: You mean customers lend banks money?
A: In effect. They put money into their accounts, so it is really lent to the banks.
 
Q: And what do the banks do with it?
A: Lend it to other customers.
 
Q: But you said that money they lent to other people was Assets?
A: Yes.
 
Q: Then Assets and Liabilities must be the same thing?
A: You can’t really say that.
 
Q: But you’ve just said it! If I put £100 into my account the bank is liable to have to pay it back, so it’s Liabilities. But they go and lend it to someone else and he is liable to have to pay it back, so it’s Assets. It’s the same £100 isn’t it?
A: Yes, but….
 
Q: Then it cancels out. It means, doesn’t it, that banks haven’t really any money at all?
A: Theoretically……
 
Q: Never mind theoretically! And if they haven’t any money, where do they get their Reserves of £249,000,000,000 or thereabouts??
A: I told you. That is the money they have made.
 
Q: How?
A: Well, when they lend your £100 to someone they charge him interest.
 
Q: How much?
A: It depends on the Bank Rate. Say five and a-half percent. That’s their profit.
 
Q: Why isn’t it my profit? Isn’t it my money?
A: It’s the theory of banking practice that………
 
Q: When I lend them my £100 why don’t I charge them interest?
A: You do.
 
Q: You don’t say. How much?
A: It depends on the Bank Rate. Say a half percent.
 
Q: Grasping of me, rather?
A: But that’s only if you’re not going to draw the money out again.
 
Q: But of course I’m going to draw the money out again! If I hadn’t wanted to draw it out again I could have buried it in the garden!
A: They wouldn’t like you to draw it out again.
 
Q: Why not? If I keep it there you say it’s a Liability. Wouldn’t they be glad if I reduced their Liabilities by removing it?
A: No. Because if you remove it they can’t lend it to anyone else.
 
Q: But if I wanted to remove it they’d have to let me?
A: Certainly.
 
Q: But suppose they’ve already lent it to another customer?
A: Then they’ll let you have some other customers money.
 
Q: But suppose he wants his too….and they’ve already let me have it?
A: You’re being purposely obtuse.
 
Q: I think I’m being acute. What if everyone wanted their money all at once?
A: It’s the theory of banking practice that they never would.
 
Q: So what banks bank on, is not having to meet their commitments?
A. YOU’VE GOT IT

And the only thing that’s changed in the 53 years since that interview is that bankers have become richer and you and I have become poorer.

As I’ve said before, bankers are only accountants and, as such, should share their same fate; which is public execution – nothing less.

AGONY UNCLE

Men seem to be better qualified than women to deal with problems. Because we tend to stay focussed, we get straight to the point – as this example shows;

Dear John,

I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back to get my husband’s help. When I got home I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour’s daughter!

I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbours daughter is 19. We have been married for 10 years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted they had been having an affair for the past six months. He won’t go to counselling, and I’m afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Shirley.

Dear Shirley,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check the grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,

John.

BEST OF BREWER BOOK

The first edition is virtually sold out so if you’d like a copy then send me an email and I’ll see what I can do. That’s chris@brewersdroop.co.za

Keep smiling!

Chris

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